The math of reality: Another way of cracking the code of happiness

By Maurice Johnson

- Happiness equals reality minus expectations- Yuval Harari

It’s been said throughout time that one should expect the unexpected. It’s also been said that we are often made paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. And as crazy and as ridiculous as it may sound when we do this very thing, we are in turn breaking ourselves down and making it worse for ourselves based on hard evidence of nothing. Thus killing ourselves very slowly in the process while we are calling what we are doing, living. In the 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz one of the agreements is, “Don’t make assumptions”. When we make assumptions we are living in a world that has yet to be created. When we do this we in turn create the very world that we actually do not want to create and we pass this off as confirmation of our expectations. This my friends is a lie. A lie that we tell ourselves should we live in a way that violates our right to happiness.

As you may know or will learn soon after reading this, the more we live life as an adventure or as a collective series of events that string together by the fabric of time, the better off we will be at shaping it. If we were to live life not based on the emotional attachments to possible outcomes but by action and by being studious to the outcomes of the clear and present actions, we will then see how things can and will shape up for us. We will see how important the present moment is and from there we can shape the next moment and live in a relatively created reality by our choice. The future is created as the past is already built. We should strive to learn from the monuments that were previously created both literally and figuratively in order to built the next generation of the monuments to come. By monuments I mean actual buildings, cars, structures as well as businesses, processes, methods of creation, literary works and so much more. This even applies to family life and traditions within cultures. If there is one prior to, then there will more than likely be one after. However, each thing after will not and cannot be the same as the prior to it. With this understanding we should let go of the expectations of tomorrow. Now, while this may have a few caveats that go along with it, I will go as far as to say that one should release themselves of expectations in general and embrace the surprises offered by the unknown future.

The future is a prediction based on the plans of the present. While it may be pretty accurate it can be totally altered if one is not careful to follow the plans in the current moment. With this in mind, one would have to have a stronger focus to stick to the plan and not get derailed by thoughts of what may be or look at patterns of old and get caught up on them. When this is done the outcome is expectations of a certain reality. Reality becomes certainty. Certainty is absolute. Absolute is reality. Thus, beginning a cycle where one believes that this “so called” absolute is what is ordained to be. Now, this can be truth for those who believe in it and because I do my best to practice non-judgement I will not say this with judgement at all when I call it a lie. It is a lie to me because I put into practice the beginning quote: “Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” Learning to live this way puts things into perspective and allows a story of adventure to unfold in which one can serve as an observer while being neck deep in the experience. When this happens a person becomes a live student of living and is able to tap into the power of adaptation. The events that happen in the present are based upon the learned lessons from the past a.k.a the monuments and therefore the future doesn’t have to be certain but given flexibility within the building and the following of the plans. In other words, base your expectations on what you are able to do in the moment and be amazed at the outcome of holding true to the plan despite how it turns out. This is amongst other things, is where happiness is found. It is an internal experience that we are able to share outwardly due to the fact that with the practice of letting go of expectations, we are simply grateful to witness and experience freedom from a program of judgement within self.

When we take out expectations we live fuller lives. We live lives with gratitude. We live and love without fear of and acceptance of the potential pain of heartbreak and we become more resilient and we recover from it much stronger than before. Our eyes are open and we taste the and enjoy the happiness that we are supposed to have in our lives. Many books were written on the promise of happiness that we could have. However, that “could” is actually more of a “do”. When we look at life as the adventure that it is designed to be, we find the greatest treasures and the best lessons that traditional schooling could never provide us with. In that we will find that our happiness is our choice due to the subtraction of the expectation. Patience, curiosity, consistency, and resiliency is a recipe to which the spice of life is added to.   

-An elevated soul, is an excellent soul

Maurice Johnson

I am Worthy: The Origin

By Maurice Johnson

The origin of the “I Am Worthy” affirmation in Superhuman: The Class came from a place within that ties to the overall mission of why I started the walk into the fitness industry. Somewhere there is a child or a person who is the last picked for sports or looked over for a position that they may want or be qualified for, but they don’t truly believe in themselves or they don’t fully believe in themselves. For whatever reason the self-worth is not there and the journey to find it seems so far fetched. However, there are times where even the down-trodden and the defeated get that spark of light. Though be it ever so slight and quick to the spirit, they feel that ray of hope. That split second boost in morale. In that moment, they are worthy. And they feel it and they get to have a short break from their unfulfilling reality where they feel powerless against the massive tide of life.

The truth is that we are worthy of the things we seek. We are also worthy of the path to travel along in order to get there. The idea of this statement is to capture and claim what is rightfully ours and to also understand the process it will take to acquire, to reach and to discover these things. In being worthy, one has to capitalize on that little spark of light and add some accelerant on to it to make it burn bright enough for the world around them to see. In being worthy, one has to take action effective immediately in order to add to the belief that they are indeed worthy of the life that they want to have. The actions need to have a deeply rooted unwavering belief that it can happen even though in the present moment it may seem so far off in the distance. Being worthy is far from an entitlement statement. If we are worthy of the spoils, then we are worthy of the work.

In going through the process required to get what we’re worth it makes us stronger, tougher, more resilient, and overall better suited to carry the load of the prize. A crown is heavy on the head. A title or position requires more responsibility. A high performance car requires a higher level of maintenance. When we state the claim of worthiness we are essentially saying that we are willing to accept the journey into a higher level of existence in order to have a higher level of existence.

You. Are. Worthy

You? Yoga? Really? Why?

By Maurice Johnson

-Yoga? Why?

The look that an old co-worker of mine gave me when I told them that I began to practice yoga was priceless. Just a few years prior one would’ve captured me lifting pretty heavy weights, running wind sprints in between my lifting sets, doing a mile on the stationary bike in less than 3 minutes, while feeding birds and herding cattle…. The last part isn’t true but you get the idea. My Superhuman class was in its infancy stages and it was a lot going on at the same time in there… a bit too much. However, since it was the story of my life told through movement and spoken word, it was fitting since my life was in total chaos in every category. So to put me and yoga in the same sentence, let alone in the same conversation was beyond anyone’s imagination… But yet here we are today… Namaste.

My body has been in combat mode physically, emotionally, and mentally for several years. It wasn’t a battle anymore. It was a straight up campaign of ups and downs, twists and turns with no real reprieve whatsoever. Being in such a hyperactive state began to take its toll on me in more ways than one. After some time, I became emotionally numb. I sought clarity so I eventually isolated myself from family and friends a bit. I became a bit of a drifter and in doing so, the hyperactive version of me started to subside, but the effects of time and constant beating up on myself started to weigh down on me. Pain was the price. Pain that sometimes caused me to think that something was incredibly wrong with me. Pain that left me vulnerable and useless at times. Yup. That type of pain. In public I would play it off like though I was hurting that I would be ok. In private, I worried my ass off. I was afraid. There were a few urgent care visits, I saw my doctor often, I even had a whole team working on me. A massage/athletic trainer, two chiropractors, and physical therapist and an orthopedist. One chiropractor did acupuncture so I had the best of both worlds. Some days it worked. Other days the pain was worse. My physical therapist had told me to give yoga a shot on top of the therapy I was receiving so I did.

I’m not a stranger to yoga. I’ve done a few classes here and there and at my old job they had us do workshops as part of our meetings. However, I wasn’t consistent with it enough to really progress so I didn’t progress or stick with it. When my PT gave me the order to go to yoga I procrastinated but eventually I got there. It was a basic class and I did enjoy it but I couldn’t make it as often as I wanted to because life was getting in the way (a.k.a I didn’t prioritize it) It wasn’t until I met my yoga teacher, best friend, fiancée, partner in life, etc. that my true yoga journey began. I met Jen in her office when she took over as Yoga Boutique Manager at Life Time. We were in passing when we introduced ourselves. She asked me what class did I teach and I told her about Superhuman. She asked when was the next class and I told her it was on a Wednesday morning at 5:45am. She asked me when was I going to come and take yoga with her. I said, “Soon!” Well soon went into the summer when we decided to do a collaboration class together. Jen teaches several types of yoga but she primarily teaches Vinyasa which is a flowing type of yoga that is partially guided at times and then released for the students to go on their own. And she teaches this in a heated room… Sweat much? Yup. So my first yoga class with Jen was in the middle of the summer because I had to feel out what she had to offer as far as her energy and teaching style for our class together. Great. The gift of procrastination. A heated class during a hot time of year. Yay me!... Not.

Jen has a way of speaking with a smooth, soft yet authoritative and certain tone. Her instructions are very clear and it makes it easy to follow. However, it doesn’t make it an easy practice. From that first class I made the decision to commit to that one day a week no matter what. So I dedicated my Monday evenings to yoga and it has paid off in more ways than one. I noticed things that I was able to do that I wasn’t sure I could at first. During the practice I was able to identify the noise in my head and eventually silence it in exchange for a better physical performance in the poses. When this happens I found that I was able to take even more control and ownership of my outcome. I began looking at yoga as a journey to myself. My true self. The person I’ve always wanted to be. When I came to my mat I accepted all that was and all that is in every class. When I had pain, I worked around it and took postures that I was able to take and discarded whatever postures that I couldn’t. When conditions came about where I had to really pull back (i.e. hernia surgery) I integrated my martial arts mind work into the practice and I was able to continue on with the journey. Being that yoga means to “unite or yoke” I have been able to take the lessons of the asanas and the themes of the practices and use them in my everyday life.

Since beginning my yoga journey, I’ve been able to connect more and more to people and deal with challenges in a very Zen way. Even during something as demanding as the Spartan Ultra yoga played a role in why I finished and also how I recovered. Despite being only 2 days out from the race, I decided to step up and come to the mat. And though it took me about the entire class to finally get myself up to a downward facing dog, I was happy that I came and did what I could do. From a physical standpoint it was a great way to use the heated room and loosen up from the stiffness caused by my Spartan antics. From a mindset standpoint, it was a great way to keep the process going and show myself that I can still do what I need to do in order to progress even in the subtlest way. Like Wing Chun kung Fu, and Jiu Jitsu, yoga has a hard/soft element to it in which I’ve discovered to be applicable in every day living. When I struggle in the practice at times, the switch comes on to intensify my concentration and to block out the other agents of distraction. This is the hard portion so to speak as I am actively adding a bit of fire to the practice as if I’m throwing a strike or countering a technique. On the other hand, when I want to get further into a posture I let go in my mind and my breath and I find myself deeper into the posture similar to a redirection of an opponents’ attack on me. This is the soft portion.

With this concept in practice the handling of life situations become even simpler and rather easier to deal with. The acceptance of the practice in yoga is the acceptance of what is in life. As we wake up from our natural required time out we find that life continues on. The flow of Vinyasa is constant as the flow of time and the intensity of the practice is designed to help one build as a whole. Just as in my martial arts practice I was always taught to find the flow and fluidity, all of these are concepts that transcends into life. As water may crash into a wall, surround it, rise above it, or find a crack and flow through it, we in our lives should do the same. Obstacles will always be there for us as it is within the architectural design of life to help us elevate and evolve in mind, body, and spirit. But with things that teach us how to be shapeless and pliable such as yoga, we should always find a way to continue to move with the dance of life.

After a year into my practice, I seek the obstacles in the practice so that I can dominate the obstacles in the rest of my life. Discovering the discomforts of the different styles of yoga, (and I’m just scratching the surface a bit) led me to push more by way of embracing the discomforts that I may face on a daily basis. Things like choices between resting up from a workout or working on a project deadline prompt me to choose the more difficult task because the discomfort will help me grow. Venturing into the ashtanga practice of yoga has been my recent embracing point. I have found the practice annoying as well as uncomfortable… which is why I have taken the opportunity to do it anyway even when I’m in pain from something or feeling tired. I get to challenge the noise in my head and then when its silenced, I come out on the other end elevated a little more. Thus, granting me the tools to handle various situations that challenge me from time to time.

So as I may have seemed like the least likely candidate to advocate for the practice of yoga, I most certainly do advise and advocate for this really special journey for all who seek a better understanding of themselves. The advantage of having an open mind and the previous experience of tapping deeper into the spirit does help tremendously. However, it doesn’t mean one couldn’t start to discover what lies beyond the sight of eyes. Jen once said in her class, “Yoga is everything and yoga is nothing.” Meaning you can apply the teachings and concepts to any and everything or you can simply be still and explore your thoughts and allow yourself to yoke or unite them for a better understanding of yourself. I personally look forward to my journey with yoga because as I progress the amusement of presenting the transformation of who I am to those who once knew me will be most enjoyable. And when I can for certain smile in the face of adversity and take it on and as Jocko Wilink says, “Hold the line” I know that returning to the mat is where the grounding takes place and the roots are planted.

This is yoga for me. This is why.

                                                                                    -An elevated soul, is an excellent soul

Lessons from the mountain.... Part 2 2019 Killington Vermont Spartan Ultra. The Redemption.

By Maurice Johnson

Lessons from the Mountain

Part 2: Redemption

I remember the defeated feeling, the ridicule, the criticism, the should haves, the why didn’t you do this or that. I remember the only evidence I had that I made an attempt at the Spartan ultra in 2016 at Killington Vermont was a picture of me staring off into space and a lime green wrist band. This was the same mountain that made me go to sleep after finishing the Spartan beast a year prior. I remember the regrets and the mistakes and the lack of energy prior to the start of the race along with a double dose of anxiety due to having to rush around and do things for myself. Its 2019. And shit is different now.

3 years ago, I jumped into the Spartan Ultra feeling like was being shipped off to die. Murphy’s law was definitely in attendance as even from the start things were off. Our start time got pushed back 20 minutes to a half hour. I had a half-assed breakfast so my energy wasn’t right. Along with a bunch of other things: (See the first story, Lesson from the Mountain: Part 1) This year, 4am Saturday September 14th I woke up to get my oatmeal ready, shower and put our race gear together… Yes, I said our race gear. My fiancée decided to pursue her own challenge with her first Spartan beast to complete her Trifecta her first year out while I ran the Spartan Ultra. As I said, things are different now. She woke up at 4:30am ready to offer her full support prior to having her own challenges. We leave the cozy little carriage house that we rented for the weekend at 5:15am to arrive at what I considered to me my arch nemesis, the Killington Ski area mountain. It was dark when we got there and the festival area was alive already as the elites and age group competitor waves had started. The first open wave, (my wave) was set to start at 6:30. My nerves were getting after me but thank God I had help. My fiancée, who I will now add her name Jen, was with me double checking things for me and she gave me the idea of buying a light jacket for the cold as it was definitely a cold one to start. Though I was nervous (actually in this case excited) I had a totally different approach to the starting corral than 3 years ago. After losing my time chip 3 times and having to get a new one I was toying with the idea of having my iPod with me on the course to have music with me for the time I was out there. Nope. Didn’t work that way. Not enough time to get it together before I had to hit that first wall. Jen followed me up as I did my own personal hype chant and we both witnessed Joe Desena the founder of Spartan Race come up and send us off which was a rare treat. As I was taking it all in and getting hyped up by the MC who did a really great job on this one, there was a guy next to me who I started chatting with and we started off together. I didn’t initially ask for his name because I didn’t know how long we’d be with each other. However, maybe around 2 hours later we figured that we should stay with each other the whole time so I asked. His name was Guillaume a 25 year-old French Canadian Spartan from Quebec who basically became my saving grace for this race. I called him “G” because I couldn’t pronounce his name right and I didn’t want to butcher it. From the moment we met just up the hill from the starting block this added to the feeling that this one was going to end much differently. It represented so much as my whole life this time around was different. But it didn’t mean that it would be any easier.

As G and I hit the first hill together I was still in hype mode. The rain was light and my warm up was already taken care of because of the incline. I had once again layered up to start and then I was debating on losing my top layer pants much earlier on. Despite the conditions being gloomy, wet, and relatively cold I felt good. I did a few times get concerned about my left knee as it didn’t feel quite like my right knee. I flashed for a moment to when I was having trouble standing and walking back about a year and a half prior. However, I quickly killed that thought by saying, “Nope. We’re doing this!” By this time, we were probably 10-20 minutes into the race and G and I decided on the strategy. It was his first Ultra as he had raced in Canada quite a bit and I had the tortured memory from my DNF so it was pretty easy to figure something out. I had 2 watches on just in case one died out at a certain point so we set our pace. Our original intention was to finish the race in 12 hours and things looked pretty promising as we were moving along. The watch I used this time was a Garmin Instinct with a tactical design and a fully charged battery that lasted up to 16 hours with the gps mode on. It was also a life saver as I realized how important it is to track yourself during this type of race. According to the map they wanted to get us fully wet and dirty from the start so once we hit some basic walls and a few downhills through some technical terrain (actually, it was pretty much all technical terrain) then we got to the barbed wire followed by a very cold rolling mud, dunk wall and then slip wall. At this point I decided to lose my top layer pants as I didn’t want to have additional wet pants on me weighing me down. I took my camelbak off and just went for it. No hesitation. No thoughts. Just get in, get out asap and keep moving. Strangely enough the cold water was a huge help for my knees and my temperature as my body got warmer after I got out of the water. What a surprise! The slip wall was very easy at this point because it was still fresh and now the games began.  We had a bit travel through the woods before the first round z walls and the lake. I remembered last time how I froze at the lake swim because I’m not a strong swimmer at the moment. I told myself that I’m not going to hesitate at any point because that is one of the things that cost me. So I approached the lake and was ready to take the burpees as G went for the swim. However, to my surprise, there weren’t any burpees for that one. I was shocked. Not necessarily delighted either but at least it did save us a quite a bit of time. I waited for G to come out of the water and we took off towards the cargo net in the parking lot. After the cargo net we had the tire flip in which I truly underestimated because of the look of the tires. The female tires were 200lbs and male tires were 400lbs. I’m not a stranger to moving heavy tires but I never encountered a 400lbs tire during any Spartan race I’ve done over the years. This one was legendary though. I got the flip and then I saw a guy struggling so I went to help him out while G got his flip done. Planning ahead we agreed to help each other on the second lap with the flip as I knew that it was going to be a task and a half for the both of us to do it on our own. Up next was the rope climb which is always a favorite of mine. Gloves on as I normally would and hit the bell. Easy. For now at least. The bucket carry was made a bit easier because they changed the rules and covered them so here I began to drift into my thoughts.

Going into this race I had a lot of life happening around me. So much had changed from 3 years prior. Life have had its way with me back then. My parents had both passed away. My work was losing its fulfillment role in my life as I began to do what I loved to do only to collect money. My relationship was pure garbage and I knew it however, I was staying in it to appease my insecurities. Maintaining the lies that I told myself and others. My self integrity was shit along with my self esteem. Physically I was more than capable as I was 34 years old and had several races under my belt. But the mind and the spirit wasn’t there and it cost me. It cost me a lot. It cost me more than I thought it would. On this day I came into the race a new man. My life had taken an entirely different angle. I got my passion back for my work after getting fired from the gym I was working at for over 9 years. My clientele base grew and my existing clients started to see and benefit from an uptick in my work ethic and energy. My classes and level of instruction has shot up exponentially transforming into an actual brand identity leading me to build my first website (superhumansoul.com) My personal development work paid off in a major way in that I decided to really take a stand against my old programmed limiting beliefs and start realizing my self worth. In doing this work it led me to Jen who is not only my fiancée but my best friend, biggest fan, supporter, teacher, and now a fellow Spartan racer. Since being with Jen my social life has taken off which included her family and our friends. People from our lives constantly want to celebrate our relationship knowing where we both have been. So I had something else to rely on now to help get me through. My mind and spirit has long since been renewed.  

Back to the course. G and I were moving along walking the inclines jogging a bit on the flats and picking up the pace on the declines and it seemed as if my watch was just racking up the miles as we were going along. We were both thinking about the infamous “death march” and how long it will take us to do it. The whole time I repeated positive things to myself. I kept a great spirit and so did G and there were several times where we expressed our gratitude for staying with each other. When one of us was stronger on certain parts we led the other. When one was feeling a little tired the other encouraged. We both reminded each other why we were there and we checked in with each other often. “Maurice! You good?” “Absolutely bro!” Then the real inclines started. We got after them with strategy and enthusiasm. “I want this! I want this! I am worthy! I’m coming to get it! I’m coming to get it!” I was saying to myself with each step. Since the weather was cloudy and misty with some bouts of showers the clouds were really low and we basically walked straight up into the clouds as we reached the top of some of the steep hills. I was baffled and amused at how the people in front of us seemed to just vanish as they went up and up to the top of the mountain. I guess it was telling that this race was pretty much all business because there was no point where we stopped to take in the views from the top. In fact, we couldn’t see anything anyway so it didn’t really matter. We both kept the “death march” in mind as it was not only the largest incline but it was also the halfway point of the course… well for the beast racers anyway. In my head I thought about the strategy I used the last few times I went up the march and I said that this time wouldn’t be any different. But it was. Prior to the march we descended from a high point making it to the bender in which I was going strong at followed by some trails. We then came out to a clearing where we saw working gondolas. Yup. There was the sign of the fun that awaited us. On the way down there was a silly obstacle called the pipe layer which was just in the way but not difficult.  At the very bottom of the hill was a water station that gave us little waffles cookies of maple syrup and even some luxurious port-o-pottys for good measure. That was different for sure. They knew that the climb up was going to be epic AF. I had a few moments where I thought about my knees prior to this and I was wondering how they would hold up. “So far so good!” I thought and off we went to get after it. G reminded me to eat a little something just before hitting the hill and I did it without hesitation. I was not going to get beat by this hill today. I was not going to stop. And here is where the game began to change a bit.

Every step counted. I pushed on sometimes standing up, other times pushing off of my thighs, and other times holding on to my bag straps. My hands that were cold for a moment were actually warm at this point due to my heart rate hitting about 160bpm. I looked up for my checkpoint spots and little flats of reprieve that were about a foot wide just enough so that I could stand upright and take a deep breath before moving on to the top… wherever that was actually… The head games started kicking in.

 “Look at those guys. They’re stopping to take a break. Maybe I should break and then gather energy to push forward. It’s a great strategy. Slow down and have some water, wait, you need to breathe to have water which means you have to stop and chill. I need a reprieve. I need a reprieve. I need a…NO!!!!! THIS IS HAPPENING! I’M NOT STOPPING! I WANT THIS! IF IT HURTS I… DON’T…. CARE!!”

That last part began to take it’s spot in my thoughts soon after. It became a chant almost when shit was hitting the fan for me on the course. When I would feel pain and discomfort happening I just simply amped up the statement to the point where I would say it out loud. After about 45 minutes or so we make it to the top where the wind was heavy and some really dedicated spectators were standing around for us. Another port-o-potty and water station at the top of the death march was also up there. (Thanks Spartan race) After a quick pee break we head off towards the box. Being that it was wet and misty and the box was actually made of plastic, my old school trick wasn’t going to work this time. (My running up the wall thing that I would do for the higher obstacles) I had to play smart and follow what I saw some doing which was make a loop in the rope so that I could get my foot into it and reach up and grab hold of the top bar. Made it happen. Now it was time to go back down and we reached that fork in the road that separated the beasts from the ultras. The first time I did the ultra there was no such thing. This time it was totally different in so many ways. I was actually excited to see what was there.

I often allowed my curiosity to take over my mind during the Spartan races so I don’t really look at the maps too much. I learned that whatever is going to be is whatever its going to be and we just have to deal with that. (i.e. the death march, cold water obstacles, and 400lbs tires.) On this descent my knees began to talk to me again reminding me of my 3-year hiatus where I couldn’t walk without pain or even bend my left knee for about half of it. I flash back for a moment in my mind while moving in the physical realm.

The pain in my left knee that lasted for about a year and a half.

My original right hip that seemed to be out of whack since forever.

My hernia that I had closed up but still feel from time to time. The slight burning sensation of the scar tissue from the procedure stretching out as I’m moving about.

I made a decision at this point to really not give a shit about any of those things. It was time for my secret weapon to be used in a time such as this. In my race prep this time around, I took an approach that I failed to use the first time which was meditation. By this time, I’ve been in yoga for over a year at least once to twice a week and even threw in some sessions with Jen at home. I began to activate a meditative state in which I would push the limits of my discomfort the furthest I have ever pushed them. It was then that I truly decided that I didn’t care about the side of myself that was looking for the easy way or keeping me “safe” I tapped myself on the knee and said, “Nope! Not this time! I don’t care!” And I truly did not. Channeling my inner David Goggins, I resolved to pushing forward no matter the cost. If I were going to quit it would be due to an injury that occurred that slowed me down from making the cutoffs or I simply just blacked out or… I died. Yes. I totally meant that. Once this resolution was in place my pains levels decreased for the time being and I was back getting after it.

The ultra loop had a few surprises. One was a really out of place lattice wall with a couch and no one there to take pics. (Obviously a mind trick) A sandbag carry that likened to be almost a half mile long with a steep incline like the death march, and one of my faves, the sled drag. Upon approach to the sandbag carry (number 1) I ran into a friend and fellow ultra runner Emily Angell. She was running Age Group competitive. I was cheering her on for the brief moment that I saw her coming off of the sandbags. I looked at G and was like “It looks like we are making good time! My friend I just saw started at like 6-6:15am and we’re close behind her.” Well, kind of. She disappeared after the sandbags and we didn’t see her until well into the second lap. I began to talk shit to the hill in my mind as I knew we were getting ever so close to the transition area. So I thought. As we got done with the sandbags we came up on the sled drag. I noticed a young guy sitting down with his leg straightened and a staff person next to him. I’m always up for giving encouragement and offering a helping hand whenever I can during the races so I go check in. “What’s happening bro? You good?” He replies to me “I cut open my knee pretty bad. I think I’m going into shock. I can’t finish. I’m not gonna make it like this.” He put his head in his arms as tears started to come down his face. I gave him a consolation shoulder tap and told him that its ok. This was speaking from experience. I felt for the guy but now was no time to get caught up as there was still more to do. A lot more. The sled pull was easy of course and then I waited for G to come up and get some on the sled. And off we went back into the wooded trails with thick mud this time around which almost swallowed my shoes. I began thinking about my fresh trail shoes and my other sandwiches in my drop bin and how sweet its going to be to get to them soon… But soon was taking quite a bit of time. We finally clear the woods and then we were joined by the beast racers again as we got up to the beater. I saw this obstacle for the first time in Palmerton and I nailed it. I was getting after it pretty well when right at the end I lost the grip. Slightly… ok pretty frustrated I go off and hit some burpees doing them in sets of 5’s. Yes. Sets of fives because after the festivities of the ultra loop I was pretty shot. It was time to eat something because I felt myself fading. Luckily, food access was not even a remote problem. We find our way to a new and improved version of the stairway to Sparta. It was a monster complete with rock climbing grips and a higher wall to start from. G practiced bouldering so he was able to get his 155+lbs frame up and over without much issue. Me? It was not so easy. The rain had stopped once we reached the top but there was still mist and pretty heavy wind. I went at the wall the first time and tried to use my arms and hands. Nope. I had to go dark for this. I removed my camelbak and muscled my way up to the first wooden plank pulling my 200+lbs self up by my hands and arms. “NOT THIS TIME!!” I shouted. We get over the wall in this wind tunnel of mist and cold air and the reprieve I was seeking was well deserved. Next up was the tyrolean traverse. Usually a fan favorite of mine… but not today. My grip was totally spent on the last obstacle and my legs were shot from the hill climbs and the descents. Had to get it done though. I almost fell off as I wasn’t able to use my usual technique because of these newer socks I picked up for this race. They sucked but whatever. So I used my arms and legs to get across the rope hoping that I didn’t cramp up for any reason as my legs were gearing up for a mean one but, they held it through.

We had a good distance to cover before started to hear the festival area which indicated our half way point was near. However, another monster of a hill awaited us just around the corner. “Alright. Let’s go.” I said as we hit a baby death march complete with people fading into the mist. No need for details here as we traverse up and then back down to the next sandbag carry (for the ultras. We had a VIP ass whuppin waiting for us on this day that we signed up for.) At this point we were legit over 15 miles into the race and now I’m starting to feel the effects. I nailed the spear throw. Handled the Hercules hoist like a basic SOP, and then as I was going to handle the rig… I slip off right before the end of it. My forearms are shot to hell at this point and the time was almost 2pm. I hit some burpees and went into the transition area where G came up and found me asking the time. “1:58 bro.” He said “Ok! We have to leave by 2:03 the latest.” I replied, “2:03?! Man can I get to like 2:05 or something” So I made the executive decision to not change my shoes out for my newer more comfortable pair and fresh socks. My feet were hurting a bit but I was willing to deal. I simply took my pants from earlier and threw them in the bin, snatched my second food bag leaving my spare water bladder and off we went for for round two…

The goal was to get to the top of the death march before 7 to allow us time to make the rest of the cutoffs. It was go time. We made great time earlier in the race from the start point so we kept the strategy of walking the inclines and running the declines and flats. However, my legs and body began to have other plans. I found myself gassing out on the inclines unlike the first round. I was sucking wind and my legs began to swell and feel like they belonged to someone else entirely. Running down the hills became more painful as I started to develop some blisters and my toenail on my big right toe had that “ejection is imminent” feel. My back began to hurt going up the inclines indicating that I probably had too much weight on my back for this distance so I started to drink more water just to lose the weight in the bag. At least I was well hydrated though. I started to think about when I should take the remainder of this advil that I brought with me. I wanted to pair it with caffeine from some shot blocks but I realized pretty quickly that that ship has sailed a long time ago. Ate them already. Shit. There goes that idea. I had 4 advil left and I knew that I would need them later on at some point after the death march so I abandoned the idea and went into using my mind. I went into a place where the dark side and the light came together as a unit and just began envisioning the finish.

I flashed back to the anti-climactic end of my first attempt at the ultra and my life at that time for a brief moment.

It sucked. A great majority of it had sucked. My family was broken due to the shock of losing both parents. My relationship was, for lack of better words, a vegetable. I was out on the mountain for all the wrong reasons. And then I came back to the present moment.

“Nope! Not. This. Time!” I dug in as at this point G became the point man for us checking in with the time and setting the pace. The mountain was getting me on the ropes. I’m climbing up with my hands on my knees and taking small drunken-like steps. My breathing is extra heavy and my legs are just absolutely numb at this point. I smack them in a negotiation attempt at one point to get them to move. “Let’s go Maurice! You got this!” G said in encouragement. I’m looking up the hill to find him maybe about 20 yards ahead. As long as I see him then I’m good. Getting to the declines were supposed to be a treat but this time around it was just as rough as going up especially on my quads and toes. I made a decision to stick to the downhill runs no matter what so, yup, down the hill we go to pick up speed. The odd part was that at the bottom of every hill we both were stopping to pee… and so were everyone else. That gave me a short lived laugh and we kept at it. With daylight still with us we find our way along the course. I then remembered the dunk wall and rolling mud will help with a bit of swelling and pain because of the shock of cold. The good news was that the gift of the rolling mud and dunk wall for round two was coming up next and I once again did not hesitate. It was heavenly for my legs at this point and then my whole body as I went under the dunk wall with almost all of my layers on. The slip wall was easy during the first lap but this time not so much. Luckily the second time I got it and held on for dear life. My forearm death was closing in fast yet I had no clue it was happening until later on during the race. After a good trip in the woods we come out to a short clearing that led to the Z walls. I was able to do it much better surprisingly. Shortly after that we came up on the lake and decide to pass it by for timing reasons and head on to the cargo net and then the tire flip. G and I do it together for 4 flips to save time and energy expenditure. Rope climb round 2. Let’s get the gloves out and… nope. I’m going raw hands this time because we have to move. I get after it on the rope climb not realizing how much this was going to kill my gripping. I reach the top… almost and start to lose it. “Oh hell no! Not today!” I went for a move I’ve never done but have seen executed over the years of racing. I swung up and kicked the bell. I came down slow at first and then I dropped down from halfway up. My forearms were officially done with me from that one. I felt the familiar locking of my hands after that and that was a sure sign that my arms have had it with me and my shenanigans. Just finish the race was the primary objective.

My struggles ensued with each climbing obstacle after the bucket carry. Inverted wall. 7ft wall. Olympus. Ha! Penalty lap up the hill. My shoes didn’t grip it the first time and they were worse off on the second try due to the muddy adventures they’ve been through during the ultra loop. The twister also one of my favorites, was a hard no for the second lap for sure. I couldn’t hold my body weight up for shit. No time for ego and whining here. Gotta keep moving. At least I could still carry heavy objects… barely. At this point I’m moving on auto pilot as we run down a descent towards the bender. It looks like we’re making great time now so we didn’t want to leave anything to chance. I jump to grab the first bar thinking I recovered my grip. I go to climb up this routine obstacle and… I fall down. I’ve raced in Spartans and OCR’s for 5 years with 35 races under my belt and I never fell off of an obstacle without an intention. EVER! I’ve dropped from the high walls in order to roll out and some other stunts so this one shocked the hell out of me. I looked up and said, “What the hell is going on here?!” G checked in with me as I picked myself up. No time to dwell on the past we gotta get to the death march for round two. We knew it was coming and for some very strange reason I started to get a bit of a happy feeling. I guess I felt that because the last time I raced the ultra I only had the chance to do it once. This was the signal that triumph was soon to come for me. We arrive at the base of the death march with more than enough time before the cutoff. In my mind I start to see the finish line. I see the fire jump. The joy on Jen’s face saying, “You did it babe!” I see her beast medal around her neck. And most importantly, I see redemption manifesting itself. “Let’s get after it!” Was my thought. I had consumed my last bit of advil prior to the march so I knew that I would be a bit better off. G had taken his as well so we had enough to make that last push we needed to get to the next cutoff point. The march was relentless. G was able to push ahead quite a bit while I hung back addressing the battle going on in my mind.

I want to stop.

Maybe this is too much.

It’s ok if I stop and sit down. Look! Everyone else is doing it.

My back is killing me and I can’t breathe.

When is this gonna end?

Shit. Looked up too soon.

Is there a place I can stand up at least?

I should just…

And then the other side speaks

Small steps. Small steps.

G is right there I won’t let him go on without me. Absolutely not!

This pain is only temporary and I can still move. Remember your meditations. Push beyond the point of comfort.

I am worthy! I am worthy of finishing this race! I am worthy of that buckle!

What did we come here for?

It’s not over until I win!

Don’t look back. Don’t look too far ahead. Look forward.

I will die or I will finish but I. Will. Not. Ever. Quit!

The running song from Creed 2. (Desert Training Montage Creed 2)

And a song from Avengers Endgame called portals.

As we get to the top I am crawling at this point as G is up ahead by about a minute or 2 at the water station. I grab a cup and down it quickly. We still had more time to secure the second cutoff. We stop for a short break and just as it was earlier the wind is heavy up top. We had one more place to make it before the cutoff time. The beater. About a mile away down a descent that was gradual at first and then got tricky at some points. The good news was that we had passed the spot where the ultra loop was earlier during the race. “Oh we are doing this bro!” I said as I found some crazy leftover energy to run this one mile downhill. My feet at this point were done. I knew swelling and post race pain were guaranteed but I didn’t care. Not even a little bit. We make it to the beater and we were informed that we made the final cutoff with time to spare! One of the race officials said that we could walk at a fast pace and still make it. G and I were not about to chance that so we got after it some more through the woods. Headlamps on now. 3 years ago this was the sign of the end of the line. This time it was the sign of the home stretch. We make it to the stairway to Sparta. Shit. Negative. And then the tyrolean traverse for round two and I’m beyond gassed out. I can’t even fathom grabbing the rope and staying on it so I opt out and grab water while G goes for it. Its dark and there’s not much we could see besides the second to last water station. We head through it and take off into the woods for the last stretch as I get the call that Jen has now finished the race. I get a 3rd wind as we go for broke through the woods passing people left and right while swinging from trees and sliding on the ground. We hear the festival area coming up and then we see the clearing right before the final steep incline around the corner. G and I look at each other and we silently agreed that it sucks but we’re too close to quit now. We push up the hill. I crawl and walk low. I’m breathing heavily but I don’t stop moving at all. Not a chance at this point. (It’s not over until I win!) G is ahead of me waiting at the top as I crawl up and pass him. It’s totally nightfall at this point and we could only see the bobbing of various headlamps as we press on to the new vertical net climb complete with the platform we have to get up and on. (Yup. had to deal with this one twice too. We get by that one and now the festival area is getting louder and louder. My watch actually dies at this point but it’s no longer a factor as we head over to the sandbag carry that they decided to shut down. I radioed in to Jen that we were coming in soon. Her excitement from when I told her that we made the cutoffs was just the fuel I needed to keep pushing forward. In the last part of the sandbag hill I looked at G and said, “Bro! we’re gonna do it! Let’s go get what we came here for!” The last 3 obstacles were the spear throw, Herc hoist, and the rig. As we picked up the pace to get towards those last 3 obstacles my thoughts rolled in.

It’s happening. It’s f---ing happening! All my life I had these instances where I gave just enough and I stopped short when I felt that it was getting difficult or when I thought I was at the end. Only a few times I pulled through when my back was totally against the wall. This is my life now! Today I’m getting redemption! I see the reward from my efforts in pushing my mental limits and owning my shit. It feels so good to keep my word no matter what. The pain is glorious… The steps I take tomorrow are gonna feel so good! No regrets. No disappointment. No criticism only elation and celebration. My girl is the truth! I can’t wait to see her medal and hear her stories. This is some real epic shit man! I. AM. WORTHY!!!

Spear throw. Nailed it. Herc hoist. Did it with ease because now I got one last burst of energy so my grip came back… Multi rig. Rings, not a problem. Bar, Ok I got this! Ropes… I grab hold of the first rope and swing to the second rope. Suddenly I stop and I start to rotate like an upright rotisserie chicken. The last rope is behind me and I can’t reach it. My hands give out as the last bit of my grip strength is done. However, I don’t care. I come off and hug G as we approach the fire jump. We see Jen and his fiancée Sarah next to each other. “You know we gotta do this together right?” I say to G. He nods in agreement as we fist pound and take off to the fire jump and the finish line. I run over… well waddle over to Jen as she hugs me and kisses my dirty face while she has her beast medal on. I call G over and introduce him to her. At the same time, he introduces me to his fiancée Sarah who was standing next to Jen at the fire jump. After Jen shoves a turkey burger (in my delirium I thought it was chicken) in my face I said, “Wow! Just like we said it might be!” They didn’t know each other but yet they shared a great thing in common. Both of their guys were officially Spartan ultra finishers. “Thank you G. I don’t think I would’ve made it without you bro.” “I’m grateful to have ran this race with you.” G said in return. After getting our finisher shirts I scream out in celebration. At this point, my feet were done. My legs were just there and I didn’t even want to get out of my race clothes. I look at Jen and I fill up with gratitude that I have not just a girl but a partner, a soldier, a leader, a friend. She was more concerned about me than celebrating her own victory. She fed me and guided me around the festival area to where the ultra medals were for us. I got mine and sat down on some soft surface. I stared at the medal. This simple belt buckle cost me in retrospect a bunch of money, time off from work, and a shit ton of pain that will last for over a week. It also was something I wanted for 3 years. It cost me over 14 hours of traversing the toughest Spartan terrain in the northeast. A price that I was willing to pay. If I can run and complete a Killington Spartan ultra, I can do anything I want to do. I ran into our friend Emily as Jen and I walked over to a nearby spectator tent and I sat down in a folding chair totally done and spent. I was happy that she had finished and it turned out she had won first place in her age group. As she went to get her medal we watched her stuff and Jen continued to feed me. I’m sitting there taking it all in. The fact that I am on the finishing side of this one is the prevailing thought in my mind. I finally gather enough energy to go and remove my trail shoes and to my surprise my toes had torn through my socks. That explained a lot about my foot pain but no worries. Not on this day. Not now. It was also dawning on me that a lot of what I wanted in life was coming to pass. I wanted adventure. I wanted to be in line with my purpose in life. I wanted to be stronger by the way of the full trinity of mind, body, and spirit. I wanted to live out my dreams and do the work needed to manifest them. I also asked to be in a healthy relationship and it not only came with a great woman who adores me but one who also steps up to plate and takes on challenges herself. It also dawned on me that we we’re walking away from the mountain with our medals and our first couples trifecta. It also occurred to me that I am setting up to marry the toughest woman I’ve had the honor of being with and of course it was a determining factor in me finishing the race. This race was the absolute epitome of one having to work and dig deep for your dreams as it made sure that it wouldn’t come easy at all. Didn’t want it any other way. As we walk back to the car it was almost as if the scene was the closing of a book.

The music was starting to fade and the final announcements were made. The fire jump was extinguished releasing a cloud of white smoke up into the air. I never saw them do that before. The wind was blowing but not as hard as earlier. I look back at the course as we were walking out and I see the clouds move to reveal the moon. Looking around at the fellow ultra finishers I felt pride in wearing my medal. “I am one of you now.” I thought to myself. “I am also engaged to a beast! This is beyond cool!” We decided to go for pizza of course and as we sat down I put my swollen legs up on the seat. A couple of racers were there and we were talking about the course and our experiences. One lady grabbed my slices for me as walking was really difficult. Prior to getting the pizza we did a live Facebook video talking about our finish of the race (more so to let our family and friends know that we were alive). We get back to the airbnb that we rented walking slow and gingerly, every step painful and absolutely savory. We enjoy that sweet sound of the medals clanging against the little wedge magnet that it comes with. The slight little incline to the two stairs outside of the house was pretty much the last obstacle that we had to face. And we did them together. Once inside, we took out the trifecta plates and set up a champion’s corner in the house where we placed our trifectas and medals. I stand there for a moment and I think to myself, What a day. What. A. Day. Redemption is sweet. Oh so sweet!

The lessons from this one is as follows:

Go into challenges boldly. From the start of the race I was hyped up and ready to get to it. It set my energy up for the really tough parts that were up ahead. I also signed up about a year in advance so that I had the time to get ready and do all I needed to do to get back at it and finish what I started.

Stretch. I stretched physically by way of actually stretching. I developed a yoga practice courtesy of Jen. I stretched mentally by way of feeding my mind the right information on a daily basis. I only listened to things that inspired me and I took action. I challenged everything I once believed and I wrote things down to create a vision. If it was on a list somewhere it was getting done. I went back into my meditation practice and it helped me to stretch beyond where I felt comfortable at. In turn, I was able to push beyond the pain that I felt leading to the next thing…

Do what you don’t want to do. We are all guilty of going to the path of least resistance. However, during the race we only had a few small opportunities to do that for safety reasons but for the most part we had to ETS-Embrace The Suck. There will be hills in life and some of them go a long way up and are slippery on the way down. You may want to stop and rest but in doing so you may miss out on some great opportunities so simply keep on going. One small step at a time.

Keep the right people around you. Create a solid circle. This is one of the biggest lessons for me because I have the first go at this to compare to. When I started the ultra 3 years ago I went in totally alone. I wasn’t alone by way of people being around but I was alone by way of true support. Since then I’ve aligned my life in such a way that I have the right people around me i.e. Jen. Because of all of the things I’ve done in my development, I went into this race with someone who fully supported me and inspired me by stepping into an unknown world to challenge herself. It did wonders for me on the course and it does the same in everyday life. Doing all of the things you need to do in order to build yourself will lead you to the right people in the end, because you are lining up with the divine order of your life. This also led me to finding my race partner G because my energy was intense but friendly and inviting.

This last one is a result of all of my personal development. All that happens in your life is part of the ultimate human experience called, living. The great things that indicates joy, the hardships and challenges you face, the loss of loved ones, the ending of relationships and friendships are all part of the greatest adventure in the known universe. Life. So armed with this knowledge when the voices of doubt kicked in I decided to go the other way. I asked, “What if I pull this off? What is it going to be like to get this done? Imagine if I make it through? What awaits me on the other side. Prior to this race in the time in between my life has changed so much because I applied this lesson. I allowed myself a short time to mourn the losses and a short time to acknowledge the victories because I want to live in full and in the present. There are times when I replay the memory movies and look at them in comparison to the present day happenings but I decided not to take too much time to rest on those things. Every day is an adventure and if that adventure brings rain, mist, mud and mountains and 72 hours of character building soreness, be up for the challenge.

Last time it told me no. This time… It had no choice but to move out of the way and let me through! This one is mine!

Ok. Ok. Final point I promise.

I made the decision to do my make up burpees in a video that I would post on social media. I promised G that I would do it… So I did. It took a half hour but Jen and I went after it. Over 100 for her and 240 for me.(She decided to join me as it was part of our Monday morning workout). The mountain prompted me to tap into a higher level of toughness that I’ve had in the past. Combining that with my life as it is today is what will construct the foundation for the bigger plan of our lives. Our future. Our wedding. Our family. Our purpose in this world…. My shoulders are sore as hell…. Good!

An inside job: A path of Self Ownership, Accountability, and Happiness

By Maurice Johnson

-Happiness is an inside job. –William Arthur Ward

            This is something that has been written about several times but it certainly resonates with me. It’s also something that I feel many people fail to realize because they put it on other people, places and things. People place the responsibility of happiness on their spouses, children, the squirrels in the yard, the car they drive, maybe even the pantry moths that they may have in their homes. (That’s just weird but I wouldn’t put that past anyone.) When the reality is that true, uninhibited happiness and joy is found closer than anyone may think. In fact, I found it to be so close that I can smell its scent after I teach a class or if it passes gas in my car in the summer. It’s within the man or woman in the mirror. It’s within me.

-In my lifetime

Throughout my life I recall instances where I set goals and intentions and would obsess over getting to those points only to find that I was again in search of something else that was shiny and new. In fact, I purchased a ridiculous white gold chain at one point just to have the biggest necklace on the block. A Fordham road special for $1300.00 and I pawned it for a small fraction of the cost. It didn’t make me happy. The Grand Cherokee limited that I had purchased by using my late grandmother as a cosigner didn’t make me happy. In fact, the decisions I made to get it and while having it led to more issues and yes, the total opposite of happiness. Like going from street clothes to an orange jumpsuit type of unhappiness. (What an adventure…. Hulk smash!) These are just two examples of how shiny and new things themselves didn’t make me happy. But I will say these things happening among other things did serve as lessons learned in my life and has been a contributing factor leading to this point today where I could talk about it with a fully opened spirit.

-Only you can make me happy…. Bullshit

In addition to things of course, came people and I’m kind of sorry (not really) Surface had it wrong when they made their song, Happy. (Only you can make me happy) Nah bruh.  I recall my years as a young teen and I wish of course I knew this back then because I would do things to make girls happy thinking that I would get my happiness too… You know what I mean by that… I would get the girl ya know, and then live off the rest of my days “Happily” ever after in a fairytale romance of sorts and then the credits will roll and stuff. I did things from reciting poetry to a girl in front of an audience on the first meet up of a blind date to giving a girl who I was settling for a rose for valentine’s day to even baking brownies and putting gummy worms in them. Oh there’s more but I won’t bore you with the details for the sake of making a point. In the attempts to please others to please myself, not only did I fail to achieve my objective and meet my expectations but I often found myself in debt emotionally and also financially. The whole idea of someone else completing or making me happy was a total lie in my case because, well it did not. Due to these lessons I’ve come to the point where if I’m going to do something for someone I’m going to do it because I simply want to do it to express my gratitude. With happiness coming from within me I can now give without the expectation of something in return. I can give of my time and energy or what ever skills I possess and just be joyful that it was appreciated.

-Earned it. You know your worth it

I also know that because of my own internal happiness that I am worth more than I made myself out to be in the past. Happiness and self-worth go together like cereal and milk after the cereal has left the bowl. More often than not when you have found your happiness from within you also begin to raise your standards because of course you want the best for yourself. In fact, you demand it so settling for anything less than what you deserve is not something that is possible for you anymore. The lack of internal happiness in the world today is everywhere around us. I believe that all conflict is caused by a lack of internal happiness along with various forms of domestication. #donmiguelruiz (life long training of traditions and behaviors) I personally believe that kindness is taught, which is awesome by the way. Hate is also taught as well as fear. Finding internal happiness is also a learned way of being that comes with a special understanding of life and the ability to let things go therefore finding lightness in the spirit despite the heaviness going on around everywhere. Happiness from within is a journey that is constant with the start being a choice as well as a teachable concept. However, one must be open to receiving the information and be willing to do what is required.

-The trinity

When it comes to this inside job of happiness, the work on the project began when I hit rock bottom with my personal trinity. My spirit was strained and broken. My mind was total shit and my body followed suit at the end and began to turn on me as well. I threw pity parties in my solace at times and other times I began to fight. In the darkest stages of building my internally powered happiness I remembered something that was very powerful. I had a choice. I had a reason. I therefore, had a shot at getting where I wanted to be. But first I had to come up with a plan of sorts of how to get there. (Important note, the inside job of happiness concept was not the original idea for me. It started out as a way to get to a place where I wasn’t in constant pain due to my damaged trinity.) The plan. The scheme. The plotting of the happiness caper. The… ok ok I’ll get to it now.

-Change at the microscopic level

Everything starts small and builds over time just like compound interest, oak trees, and babies. What I did first was simply decide and created a vision of being able to walk without terrible pain and even run if I wanted to. In my vision I saw myself teaching group fitness classes in a better way, being so lost in it that time just goes and feeling so good while doing it. I felt the joy, the passion, the creativity, the connection, the music and even the cueing of the movements going extremely well. I saw and felt the artistry of what I like to call the tour bus of greatness as I consider myself to simply be a tour guide. With this vision at first, I jumped into dealing with my knees through physical therapy and various forms of treatment such as chiropractor work and acupuncture and different types of massage as well. I would roll out my muscles until I was blue in the face yet it didn’t really work or set in. However, during one of my acupuncture sessions I started listening to my thoughts while lying still and unable to move due to the needles in me. It was then I recognized the noise in my head. When my days were positive the noise would be significantly less and the worry and anxiety would be reduced as well. When they were not then my thoughts raced and my mind was unsettled and the effects of the treatment was not as effective. The coolest part here was that I actually began to play the role of what is called, the witness. I got to watch and observe what I did and felt. From that I gathered information that led me to the next step.

-My mind’s playing tricks on me. Subconscious trapping with the use of the conscious mind.

I learned that the body has cues to respond and deal with stress. I also learned that stress is a signal of our perceptions and that it travels into our bodies. Do you have tight trap muscles or a sore low back? Maybe you have a headache on the side of your head? Or maybe you are tired even though you slept longer and went to bed earlier the night before? What about that cold you seemed to have gotten out of nowhere? These are some of the responses to constant unmanaged negative stress. The fight or flight response was activated in response to a person grabbing the last bottle of Gain Midnight Breeze laundry beads or to someone tapping their butt against your shoulder in a crowded restaurant. As silly as those things may seem they caused your body to go “old school” due to your perception of danger and discomfort. (Old school means primal BTW) Being that your body may be going “old school” on a regular basis, your body is always ready for action though no real survival action is required. Therefore, leading to the tensing up of your muscles and the constant elevating and suppression of the immune system response. Ok. What am I getting at here? Learning this information, I decided to go back in time and review all of the most painful memories and moments I’ve experienced in my life and understand that I am still alive today. Being that I’ve faced death several times along with other wonderfully traumatic events, I have plenty of areas to choose from to review. In doing this exercise, the memories became less shocking to me and I gave myself permission to accept them as they were. Just memories. I didn’t have to take them with me everywhere I went. I also didn’t have to be on Def-con 5 all the time either. I allowed them to simply be. As I did this, I noticed that my body started to relax more and I felt less pain. This in turn led to happier thoughts as I was able to feel a bit better.

-I hear the secrets that you keep, when you’re talking in your sleep

The next thing I did was make changes to the information that was being allowed to enter my mind. I completely forgot I had a working T.V. (not really) I decided that I would only watch certain types of movies and I would absolutely not watch the news at all in my own house. Of course if you’re somewhere and there’s a T.V you may unfortunately run into the news being on anyway, but in the home one has control of that. T.V is designed to really stimulate the mind through audio and visual cues. Hence, why the fast food chains drop the fried chicken pieces in slow motion to really capture the texture of it so that it enhances one’s desire for it. (You know you like that. 😀) With the abundance of screens around us and the aforementioned effect that they have on your mind, there’s no wonder that there’s so much fear around. However, being that I decided to control what I put into my subconscious mind I used my computer and my phone to my advantage. As crazy as it may sound, the last thing you watch or hear before you doze off into your marshmallow dreamland has tremendous effects on your thoughts going into the next day. So, I decided that if I were watching an action movie or show at dinner the last image I want to see going sleep was something animated and funny. So I chose one of my favorite cartoon shows of all time now, Family Guy. I’m not 100% sure how true this is but I have felt quite a bit wittier since I’ve been exercising this routine. In addition to that I’ve felt much happier upon waking up in which I began the second part of my routine, saturating my mind with nothing but positive, uplifting, relaxing and inspiring messages. In fact, I wouldn’t even listen to regular music until after a certain time unless I’m preparing for a class. The reasoning for this is that I found myself vibrating at a higher frequency throughout the majority of the day. Actually all day!

-The spiritual fat boy thrives

After constantly feeding my mind and spirit with the equivalent of a lifetime supply of kale and spinach, I started doing every little thing differently once I identified the routines I had. If I drove one way to work for about a week or two, I’d simply change the route. If I habitually parked in one spot, I’d park in another spot just to give my mind a big F-you. I would put my lotion on in a different order and even bathe myself in a different pattern just to make everything change therefore, my subconscious mind began to adapt to changing all the time expecting something that will lead to ascension. I also began to watch my words. Though this is a bit difficult to do all the time I do it anyway and correct myself on the spot. I also remember this part better when giving others advice or when I speak positive words to everyone I come in contact with. The upside to this is that you come off as an awesome person and not an asshole or asshat (which ever one prefers) to others. I learned this from a talk given by one of my many favorite speakers, Les Brown. And you know what, the shit works! I haven’t been angry for a very long time and if you knew me for years you would know an angry Mo is not one that anyone wants to be around. Watching my words to myself has been extremely instrumental in discovering and cultivating my internal happiness.

-In the end

As I’ve put a few of these things into practice on a regular basis I found myself actually living out dreams of mine in the present moment. I found it less difficult to deal with hard situations and to cope with the devastating blows that I have suffered in my life enough to learn from them. I continue to practice these things and seek to learn new ways to do even better at living and I find myself manifesting so much by way of people and the ability to do what is needed to make my life the best its ever been. For me, my inside job of happiness is not about money or material things though I know I need certain things to follow through with my purpose and to maximize my gift. Its about being able to shake what may seem to be the unshakeable. Its about being able to forgive what is perceived to be the unforgivable. Its about to being able to love and live and honor this gift of life in every moment despite bliss or challenge. My happiness is my journey in every passing moment and understanding that there’s so much time to die yet not enough time to live. So I emphasize living and let the things that should die perish because after the next second it won’t matter and we can’t rewind time. We learn from the past to construct our present moments and step into the results of our future through the internal work. Therefore, William Arthur Ward said it best when he said, Happiness is an inside job.

Lessons from the mountain… Part 1 2016 Spartan Ultra

By Maurice Johnson

Lessons from the mountain… Part 1

It told me…. No.

            On Saturday September 17, 2016 in Killington, Vermont, I entered one of the most epic Spartan Races I have ever done since I began my Spartan journey two years prior. I’ve been to Killington before back in 2015 where the course was challenging terrain wise but the obstacles were not as challenging. However, I managed to fall asleep at the end of that race on the course because I put in so much work and expended a crazy amount of energy. I also finished that race with a somewhat injured foot. Somehow a rock penetrated my shoe while I didn’t have insoles in them because the ones that came with the shoes were no good once they got submerged in water. I had the great pleasure of not being able to put pressure on a certain point in my foot for a few weeks. Despite the pain I was able to finish the race in 6 hours and 22 minutes and it was still daylight. The goal was to finish before it got dark and it was accomplished. I skipped water stations and just relied on my own hydration pack to get me through it all and it worked. It worked for this race and the other races shorter and equal distance but this trip to Killington proved to be much different and required way more than I was ever used to.

            At 6:43am the morning of the Spartan Ultra Beast I jumped out of my then fiancée’s Dodge Nitro and told her that I’ll see her on the other side. Basically, I felt like I was parachuting into hell and as far as Spartan race courses go, it truly was hell. As I approached the starting area so many thoughts crossed my mind. I thought about my mom and dad who passed away within 9 months of each other with my mom passing a few months prior to race day. I remembered that I kept their prayer cards in my bag along with my trifecta bracelets in which they were both buried with. I never ran a single race with these items on my person but this time it was different. I also thought about how did I get myself into this craziness and I asked myself, was I in over my head. I looked around and saw maybe one person I knew from a previous race and then came to realize that I had no one familiar with me, (as I chose to not ask anyone to accompany me). All I had was a waterproof walkie talkie and hopes that the range would work from the mountain to the house. Of course it didn’t work so I had no contact to the outside world until probably 8:30am. (That’s a rough estimate) I also had a brand new Garmin Forerunner 25 GPS watch that was set for 30 miles and I said to myself how I only traveled at max 15 miles on foot…. Ever. And all of my race gear which is standard for me only this time I had more of it. The mentioning of the watch will be explained later.

            After standing around and debating whether or not to use the bathroom for a time period of 5-10 minutes we hop into the starting corral where we are briefed by one of the nut jobs who was responsible for this glorious monstrosity of a course. Something that I never had to hear prior to the start of a race. The race director mentioned 3 checkpoints, the transition area, the lake, and the rope climb. 2pm, for the transition area, 6pm for the lake and 6 pm for the rope climb. (Later we found out that they extended the times by a half hour because of the delayed start times for the heats) After the prelim announcements and rules the MC gets on the mic to get us pumped up. For me it didn’t really work because one of my favorite guys no longer works with Spartan and this guy didn’t really do the trick. I was still all in my head and thoughts were still very present. However off I went when he said GOOOOOO!!!! Those first steps were the start of a warm up jog and the beginning of something that I would never forget.

            The start of the race was very simple with hay bales and the log hurdles then simple trail running. Confusion set in early when almost my whole wave missed the arrows and started going towards the lake first. I had stopped in confusion and mentioned to someone that we may be heading in the wrong direction. Then one person yelled out, “Hey Spartans! You’re going the wrong way!” It was my first laugh before the first long ass hill climb we had. I then started to think strategy in this moment. So I paced myself a bit slower because I knew if I went faster than what I was doing in the moment I would burn myself out. Well, mainly my legs. It also didn’t help that my right hip was a major concern for me. So for an unknown period of time we were on this hill. It could’ve been 15 minutes or less or more I had no clue but then the top came in sight and there was a wall there. Walls are nothing for me usually but this one was different as the hill climb took my legs out a bit. Ok a lot, but I made it over and continued to walk the flat ground. At this point I did my usual race routine of finding a “rabbit” and there were so many to choose from so I picked about 4-5 of them and as we went on if I saw any or all of them I knew I was doing ok…. Or so I thought.

            Once the crazy negative self-talk started to dwindle down for a bit I began to think strategy. It was about 8am and my watch had me at about 3-4 miles in. I figured that in order to make this work I’ll have to do it much different than any of the other races which means eat and drink before I felt the need or desire to do so. I also had to monitor how hard I went as to not exert way more energy than I needed to for the first lap. I had to also figure out when to have my shot blocks and when to radio in to the rest of the team. The obstacles were not that challenging as they were just things in the way however the hercules hoist was pretty damn heavy this time around. The terrain in general was the major factor in the attempt to break us down which for me made everything else seem more difficult than it would usually be. During any other race I have done I would have sprinted to the obstacle in front of me with absolute joy. This time it was different. I walked up to them and did them really carefully. Even the bucket carry I toned it down way differently than when I did the Palmerton super. In that race I blasted through the carries but this one was different. My head wasn’t in that space so I put the bucket down every 15-30 seconds and rested for 15 second counts before I went again. At this point I was in a state of worry which is not good for anyone doing this type of race to be in. I kept worrying about being a disappointment and worrying about the swim obstacle because of the hole in my hydration pack and the special cargo I was carrying. It kept me from doing things the way I normally would plus I was so concerned with strategy so I didn’t want to burn myself out.

            The one thing I was doing well was eating on time. I was properly fueled for this race because I wasn’t truly hungry until the middle of the second lap. After heading down hill finally and hitting the Z walls I came to the swim where I burned some time making a choice. I took the 90 burpee penalty and then went around. 30 at the start, 30 mid ways through and 30 at the end before having to get in the water anyway. I made the decision to not go for the swim which haunted me even until now. I waded in 4-foot water stumbling on rocks and tree branches along the way until I got out. The water of course was cold but it actually helped to somehow compress my hip and help with other little aches I had. As I stepped out of the water on the other side my thoughts started to change. I said to myself, “Ok I’m here and the water part is done. There’s no time to let these silly and false thoughts cross my mind. I’m tough enough to do this shit! I can do this! I will do this! I will do like I always do and move forward no matter what happens! I know what I’m here for and I have to go for it! Play time is now over.” At this point I took off my top layer of clothing and revealed my “business suit.” My 2XU running tights and my Captain America under armor compression shirt. I put my extra heavy and wet top layer in a shopping bag, found a place for it in my hydration pack somehow, strapped up and went at it again.

            I checked for my Advil as a precautionary measure and the pills I had disintegrated in the Ziploc baggie I had. At that point I had turned on the survival mode. What ever pain I was once feeling had left me. It was the moment I was waiting for the whole time. All my life when I was faced with something difficult I had the initial fear response or the tendency to step cowardly into the storm. However, after a little while something else takes its place within me and then all things resembling fear leaves me. I then stand ready to give all I have even if it ends up killing me. I signed up for the Ultra Beast for this reason among other reasons but this is one of the major reasons. I wanted to stretch myself as far as I could to find where I was going to break. I wanted to see if when faced with odds stacked against me would I give up or would I press forward. I wanted to face and deal with the unknown. I wanted to be totally fearless. At this point of the race it is exactly what took place. I began taking it to some of the other racers who were ahead of me by quite a bit and passing some of them. I aimed for someone who was within reach of me and I gunned for them until I passed them and I never looked back. The hills were steep on the way up and down. The paths were rocky and very treacherous but these things meant nothing to me. At this point I was not going to let up at all. Then came the dunk wall.

            The dunk wall is not one of my favorite things to do during the Spartan race. Mainly because I have to go under water and I refuse to swallow that dirty ass water. I would usually hesitate on it but this time I did not. The water was cold because well, it was Vermont and the temperature outside the night before had dropped to the low-mid 40’s. I put my bag and belt to the side and hit that dunk wall without hesitation grabbed my stuff and headed up the hill to another wall. At this point being wet didn’t bother me anymore. In fact, it was helpful for one of my favorite obstacles the Tyrolean traverse. At this point I was looking to how far away I was from the transition area. At the same time the cutoff time for the transition area popped into my head so I started listening for the signs of the festival area. After heading up into the woods and then up the mountain I came out to a summit where I almost caused a rockslide. I met a guy who said to me that his thoughts were killing him because he couldn’t shake them. I told him to ignore them and keep stepping forward. We were around each other for a good while and then at some point I lost him. His body language revealed that tumultuous, internal struggle. That one where it’s you against you and the you that you wants to win is clearly not stepping up. People around me were wearing down quite a bit as we got down to the sandbag carry. Here I did something unusual. I carried two sandbags giving into the talk of one of the area refs. I never do that and I was asking myself why did I do that? It almost wiped me out for the rope climb in which I just made it because I started to slide back down then I yelled to myself, “Oh no you don’t! Get your ass up that rope!” I made it and then the real pain came next.

            Last year Killington must have put me to sleep with this one because at the end of the race I nodded off. The death march hill is something legendary in probably not a good way. Last year it was at this point where I lost my team and went for it all. I took the hill, so I thought and was going in from there. It took a half hour or so to travel 2 miles up this thing! That was last year. This time around they put it towards the end during the last 4 miles of the course. While going up this behemoth of a hill, (I estimate the incline to range between 30-50% grade) I saw people dropping off, sitting down, walking like zombies (myself included) and I even saw someone straight sleeping! At this point my legs were on auto pilot so I moved forward no matter how short or long my steps were they were forward moving. Once I got to the top of the hill there were people who clearly took the gondola up there cheering for us. One guy said to me, “hey man! You’re almost done!” He was smiling enthusiastically and then I showed him my wrist band and said, “Bro, this is just round one. I’m doing this twice.” His face changed to a near horrified look. It actually made me laugh a bit before heading down the hill to the spear throw and the other things in the way like the log carry which by the way happened to be more difficult due to the fact that I just did that death march. The last few obstacles were easy for me before going into the transition area at about 1:55pm. My team was out on the course when I informed them that I finished my first lap. As I was going in, the area had a bunch of people around. The festival area was there also. In the transition area itself there were maybe up to 50 or more people and I wasn’t sure who finished and who didn’t but I did not see a lot of medals. In fact, I don’t think I saw any and a lot of those people were not moving to go back out. While I sat down for quick break I ate nearly all of my turkey sandwiches, popped 3 more Advil, had almost a whole package of shot blocks (I didn’t consume any caffeine during the first lap), and downed a bottle and a half of water. While I was in the transition area I met a guy named Scott who was attempting the Ultra Beast that day and then planning on going for the beast the next day. That idea was thwarted once his race partner rolled his ankle really bad. I also saw two guys next to me who were about to go back out. One of them was lying down holding his head. I asked was he ok and he informed me that he was having a heat stroke as his head was killing him. However, between his friend and myself giving him some encouragement to go back out he took a salt pill and went at it. Shortly afterwards as I was tightening up my second pair of Salomon Speedcross 3’s I noticed a woman who I saw out on the course crying. She thought she had missed the cutoff time because a volunteer made a mistake and didn’t realize that we had until 2:30 to be in the transition area. When they realized the mistake they came over to her and said that they can get her time chip back to her and she could go back out. She was so upset about it and then got even more frustrated when they told her that they were wrong that it took the rest of the juice out of her to go on. I even offered her to come with me but she refused. I felt terrible for her so I sat around for a bit with her before I gave her a hug and went off.

            As I went off I noticed that it was strangely quiet for a Spartan race. As I went out I saw a guy who ran into the woods just turn around and came back out. I asked was he ok he said, “Yeah. Umm I’m not doing this bro. I’m done.” I said, “Really?!” He explained that there’s no way that he’s going to make it back in 6 hours. At this point I really got motivated so I started going at it harder. I was actually passed by a regular beast racer who was the second person I saw since I started the second lap. I finally caught up to a guy who was clearly from the south. I decided to stay with him as he was making an attempt to finish the race. I figured that I could create a buddy system with someone who was doing what I was doing and perhaps feeling like I felt in those moments. However, much to my partial dismay he was suffering from the same crap I dealt with during my first round at this. He said to me, “I don’t know how we gon make this. I don’t see how we gon make this man.” I said to him, “The only thing we can do is push forward bro.” As I said those words to him going up that hill I saw a couple just turn and walk back down the hill. I wanted to yell out, “Hey! The course is this way!” however that would have been inappropriate. So I stuck with my buddy for as long as I could. I saw that his thoughts were starting to get the best of him so I ended up having to say goodbye to him as I targeted some new people on the way up. I told myself that I could not have any source of negative self-talk around me so I had to move. I looked back and saw the guy behind me… Way behind me at the bottom of one of the hills and that was the last time I saw him. At this point I decided that I needed to pick it up faster so that I could make some head way. Around this time, I heard my walkie talkie go off and my ex fiancée came on which meant that she was in the festival area so I had to pick it up even more so. It was then I started to see more people as I was picking up speed and catching up to the people who went out ahead of me. I was wondering where all the UB racers were but all of a sudden I was passing them one by one including the regular beast racers. I even caught up to the two guys who were near me in the transition area and the guy who was having the heat stroke was going in at the top of his game! It was great to see that he was good to go so these two guys became my rabbits. We met at the water station prior to the hercules hoist which on the second lap seemed to have gotten heavier for some odd reason. After I completed it I went back on the radio and told everyone that I was going silent for about an hour so that I could focus on moving faster.

            We had quite the back and forth battle with us. For a while I took the lead and then they took it back. I then took it again from one of them while the guy with the heat stroke was ahead of us both. I made him my target and I got to him at the bucket carry. I also met a guy named Wayne who was friends with two of the girls from my team. He ended up having breakfast with us the next day. For some reason though I think he knew me first Thanks to Facebook. After the bucket carry I left the two guys who were my rabbits and this new guy became my silent partner in suffering. As we got to the lake for the second time I had to make another judgement call on the swim. I was cursing myself for not doing it the first time because now time was a factor. I checked my watch and it was a few minutes past 5pm. I also noticed that the battery life on the watch was dangerously low. So I started my burpees for the second time because I wasn’t sure enough for the swim. Just then my original “rabbits” came through and hit the water. We timed each other perfectly as I was coming to the last area to do my burpees and they came up. They had missed the bell and had to burpee it out as well. After I finished mine I went out to the wading water again but this time I stayed more near the shoreline so that I wouldn’t be as wet but it didn’t work. I ended up back in the water again and then shortly afterwards came the second dunk wall. At this point I lost my “rabbits” and ended up with my silent partner going into the Tyrolean traverse and then the second barbed wire. We had run into some nice people who were running the beast and they had taken my hydration pack up to the end of the barbed wire which saved me time and energy since I banged my knee on a rock going into the barbed wire.  By this time my watch had died out so I was using the sunlight as a guide. However, as I was going along I began to notice there were clouds rolling in and my perspective on the time had went out of the window. Because of this I ended up leaving my silent partner as well to pick up the pace even more and I decided that I wasn’t looking back for anything or anyone. I pushed forward on the down hills despite the lingering pain from hitting the rock earlier and I found myself gutting out the hidden death marches in the woods passing people at probably 1-2 miles an hour because so many people were moving extra slow. As I continued on I started to hear crowd noise however, it started getting darker to where I could barely see the ground but I resisted the use of my headlamp for some reason. I was running through the woods and then all of a sudden I came up on a bunch of people moving pretty slow in front of me. I kind of scared them as I came up so fast and what seemed to be out of nowhere because who in their right mind could possibly even run at this point in the race with other obstacles to go and that 2-mile death march coming up again soon?

            I remember coming out to the sled pull and seeing people with their headlamps on. At this point I accepted the fact that I will be in the dark on this one so I put my headlamp on as well. I bought it last year for Killington and was planning to take it back since I didn’t use it. Turns out that it was $20 well spent as it was 160 lumens and I was again able to haul ass through the trails dodging people, rocks, roots and all. Finally, I come out of the woods like I was shot out of a cannon and made my way to the sandbag carry. The obstacle was near empty and I was just about to grab my bag for round two when something said to ask for the time. “Hey bro, what time is it?” It was dark and I knew the answer wasn’t going to be good. “7:13.” I then asked, “When is the cutoff for the rope climb” The ref replied, “It was 6:30” Naturally I paused and then said, “F--k!! I can still go! I know I can be done before 9!” The ref was really cool about it and said, “I have no doubt that you could make it. Its just that if they let you go then they have to let everyone behind you go. I’m sorry man.” I then delivered the news to everyone over the radio. It was dark and cold and shortly afterwards it started to rain a little. However, I didn’t really feel cold. I felt ready to continue the fight. It was like someone threw in the towel and I knew that I was about to have the other guy beat in just a few short moments. I walked over to the rope climb to have my chip cut and the people there were apologetic. Among those standing there was the infamous race director/course designer Norman Koch. I’ve only heard of him and my team has met him before me. As I had my chip cut off. I said to him, “Not bad Norm.” He replied, “Yeah my legs are still hurting from walking around on this mountain.” I then said, “I’m sure of it!” Then my eyes got intense and my posture stood upright a bit more as I pointed and said, “Great job…. I’ll see you soon”.

            I found my ex shortly afterwards on the other side of the railings to the fire jump and festival area. She asked what happened and I told her that I lost track of time. “You should’ve radioed in for time checks” I knew she was right but for some reason I couldn’t be angry or defensive or anything of the sort really. I looked at the people on the last parts of the course and I said, “I can’t believe that I still had enough in me to keep going. I could’ve gone until the next day at this point!” My ex fiancée being task oriented and concerned said to me, “You need to eat.”

Me: “What’chu got?”

Her: “I got…. this”

She pulls out a half eaten king size pack of Twix. “I’ll take it! Gimme that!” I said as I snatched it out of her hand mid sentence. I missed her expression and I haven’t had a Twix in years but after what I just went through I didn’t care. Healthy food or not I was eating it. As we waited around for the last of my team to finish the beast she went and got me a chicken sandwich that I finished in record time. I went and got my bag from the transition area and low and behold, my Ziploc bag of pumpkin spice cheerios were underneath it. I laugh a little at it before I picked it up. At this point nothing else mattered. At this race there was no fire jump or victory photos. No t-shirt or the coveted belt buckle. The only physical evidence I had to show for it was the soreness setting in slowly and the neon green wrist band that indicated that I was an ultra racer for that day.

            This story doesn’t end in melancholy and defeated thoughts. There are lessons that I learned from this experience that I take with me everywhere I go. I found that I am capable of going well outside of my comfort zone when I need to and I was able to activate that side of me that is resilient despite any and all odds. I’ve never travelled over 15 miles on foot before and on this hallowed ground I went 28 miles. I was stopped with 4 miles to go and I was more than ready to make it happen. I learned that giving up isn’t what I do no matter how large the odds are stacked against me I will push until I win or until its over…. Or until I die. I know for the next time not to allow negative self-talk enter my thoughts because I know that I can handle more than I’ve ever encountered just as long as I dig in and move in the direction of life which is forward only.

            Lesson 1:

I preach this all the time in my classes, my training sessions and to anyone who will listen. Once you’re in it, then you’re in it. You have to deal with the process or issues in front of you in that moment. Once I signed up for that race and put in the subs at work and committed to the house we were staying in, I was in it. It got real at the drop off bin check in and as the next day approached. Once I was on the line and then I hopped over the wall for the starting corral, the game was on and there was no backing out.

            Lesson 2:

Remember where you have been in your life. Good, bad, or indifferent. When shit hits the fan replay those moments when things were extremely tough for you and use those as fuel to drive you forward. Allow it to fester somewhat and tap into your emotional state so that you can feel it and then activate all the things that made you survive what ever encounter you’ve endured previously. By doing this, even when I did bang my knee on a rock I simply shook it off and kept moving. I even caught a second wind during the second lap and was able to step up my pace quite a bit.

            Lesson 3:

Over-prepare. As I heard in a book called, “Unbeatable Mind”, There was a segment where the author was telling a story of a diving mission (He was a Navy SEAL) and his mask filled up with water and he lost his other mask during the initial dive. He quoted someone who gave him the slogan, “Two is one, less is none.” In my case, I should’ve had two watches and another source of time keeping because once I lost that ability, I lost my way of tracking which in turn lead to me not finishing the race. Next go round I will be doing that for sure.

            Lesson 4:

Give it all you got and learn from it. I can’t wait until I have my next shot at the Ultra. While many people were defeated by the race, I got charged up afterwards. And after that race, every race afterwards became very easy for me. Including the Vernon NJ Tri-state super which was done in 46 degrees with rain and wind, and then Fenway park stadium sprint in which I finally cracked the top 10 in my age group with a 6th place finish.

            Lesson 5:

Surround yourself with tough individuals. When you’re going through a scenario such as a really challenging event, you want to have yourself around people who are strong-willed, have a positive mindset and willing to challenge you in order for you to press forward. In the event that you can’t find yourself a person with these qualities then press on by yourself as fast as you can. This way if you are indeed in a rhythm of going for something you can keep it going without the interruption of external forces.

            In a nutshell, this race has totally transformed me for the rest of my life. Every race or physical challenge after this was made easier in comparison to the Killington Ultra. Finished or not I feel legendary regardless and I take that feeling with me everyday of my life.

Redefining the gray area

Redefining the gray area: What it means to have true balance all while pushing beyond your limits

By Maurice Johnson

            One day in my therapy session my therapist and I were going over my life in certain areas such as relationships and career. We’ve been working with each other for 10 years now and of course in that amount of time there has been a lot of notes written down from the outside looking in. She said to me, “Historically, you have had these periods where your productivity was through the roof and you were firing on 12 cylinders. These times are usually as you’re living in chaos in your personal/relationship life. You’ve also had periods where you were not as up in that area and you seem to experience a lull in performance. These times occurred when things were not as crazy and you have reached a state of stability to a degree.”

I agreed with her for sure as I was looking to figure out my next steps towards forward progression all the while having things that are working out for me in various areas. As a coach myself, I know what it means to constantly elevate no matter what’s going on in my life. I reached a point where I’ve reached a level of understanding of how emotions work and how to trick my subconscious mind into working in favor of my growth vs my fears and limits. I’ve dedicated a significant amount of time towards finding ways to stay inspired and uplifted and help others do the same. In this constant studying one of the things I’ve learned is that extreme ownership/acceptance is a major key towards getting there so of course it is something that I practice. In doing so, I totally dove in with my therapist to break down the whole thing of the tendency that was mentioned above.

            She asked me questions to make sure that I wasn’t basing my whole way of being on my relationship and doing things just because my girlfriend is awesome and wonderful and I’m looking to please her. Of the things I’ve learned and looked at over the past few years is how I operate in a relationship. The previous programming, (as we call it) was for me to lose my sense of self in the relationship and the other person. So, I decided to do different to be different. And of course my girlfriend supports this 1000%. I make sure I wake up early, listen to my personal development, read often and do different things in order to short out my old programming that kept me limited in my progress. However, I noticed that I felt a bit of a lull approaching and I wanted to hit it off at the pass so to speak. My therapist asked me about what am I doing to maintain that other side of myself engaged and present. The other side that she was referring to is the side of myself that comes out when real opposition rears its head. The competitive side of myself that comes alive when I need to fight for survival or push through something really tough and grueling. That side that I call the “sub-level savage”. As an OCR runner I only have a certain amount of races that I can do in the northeast during the year as I am also working on my business as an independent fitness professional/coach. I also had suffered a nearly two-year setback because I had some chronic knee pain issues followed by a hernia repair surgery. I’m doing well since all of that and I decided to sign up for that one race that I didn’t make a few years back. Now that I’ve dealt with those things I once again press forward.

            After this particular session I went on about my day looking at how my days were going. I remembered downloading Angry Birds and observing how distracted I got playing it as its designed to suck you into playing reducing your productive hours as well as your phone’s battery life. So I deleted it and opted for an audiobook instead. I felt good doing it but I also felt the lull still present. So I started taking action and finding ways to sprout productivity. My girlfriend had this great Idea to do vision boards for one of our date nights and it was such a great idea because it reawakened the productive wave that I needed to get going. It reminded me of the goals I already had set and it put me into a state of awareness and readiness to get after things and realize what I had already put in motion. In doing this I began thinking about the concept of the space between two extremes. The gray area.

            The gray area has been the balance between to absolutes or extremes. Black and white. Being that the gray is a blend of black and white it represents the middle ground. However, the middle ground is different for everyone and the way its defined is totally dependent on the individual’s base of function and lifestyle. When considering your gray area think of the following:

1-    Are you living your life and doing your life’s work?

2-    If you are not doing your life’s work are you on the path towards it?

3-    Are you regularly tired and irritated?

4-    What will make you less tired and irritated?

5-     What brings you joy and happiness?

6-     Do you consider yourself capable of bringing yourself happiness and joy?

7-    What if you really absolutely had a choice in how you design your way of life?

These questions are some of the questions I asked myself and many other experts who I’ve followed have done so themselves. Within the answers to these questions you will actually find your gray area or at least the path towards it. It’s the happy medium where you can recover from the day to day grind and still push forward without going to either extreme.

            When you are living and doing your life’s work every day is one worth getting excited about. You operate in a state of flow on a constant basis and the the time just seems to pass by without effort. Your life’s work is the work that over time becomes second nature to you. This is after you take the time to master the skills required and you just love it. It’s not difficult in the sense that you stop and say its hard and you don’t want to do it, but rather a challenge that you set out to face and won’t stop until you win at it. When you’re not doing your life’s work you basically are in a state of resentment as you get out of bed in the morning because you rather be at home with a snuggie vs getting after it as you are required to. Also, you are often doing it for someone else that is benefitting from your labor besides you. This in turn can make you tired, irritated and bitter leading to more resentment of what you’re doing, and more often than not you start to wish that you didn’t start on the path that you set out on. Wishing instead for an easier existence. However, from what I’ve learned ease is a greater threat to progress than difficulty and challenge would ever be.

            When you are tired and irritated can you think of the things that will counter those feelings? If you can, figure those things out and get after them ASAP. Do not hesitate on putting them to work for you because this is where you can potentially spark the creative energy needed to push beyond that point of fatigue and turn it into excited energy that may be needed to push forward or to change direction entirely. Finding and reminding yourself of what brings you joy and happiness is something that you can start your day off with. By doing this you put yourself into a position to where you begin to generate the feelings associated with positive energy therefore creating a space where imagination and creativity can thrive. Thus, setting up forward momentum.

            The ability to be able to create happiness and joy is where you truly get to redefine your gray area. By being able to do this you take on the full responsibility and the power to make your life whatever you want, whenever you want. Creating happiness and joy is a tool that can get you through the toughest times of your life. It gives you staying power and strength in all aspects. In this you also practice gratitude and the power of gratitude serves as a reminder of your past wins in life. From those wins you can draw strength even in times of lulls in productivity so that you can push forward with even more power when the shift comes. Creating happiness and joy by your own design is where you begin to understand that when things aren’t so great that they actually are still great and you learn to use perspective and perception.

            Finally, when you know that you really have a choice in how you design your life you totally unlock the unlimited potential within yourself. No matter the circumstances you take on the concept that as long as you’re alive you are still in the driver’s seat and that you are the master artist of your life. That means that when you find that gray area its just another set up for your forward push. It means that you are still moving forward although things are seeming to be still. Its you taking full responsibility which in turn means you get full credit in all parts the good and the bad and you can always turn it around on demand. The best part of all of this is that its only yours and it can never be taken from you.

            In closing, after my therapy session I personally decided that I can operate from my gray area and that I can still move forward in a way that is great for me without having to be in one extreme or the other. I continued my action steps while also doing new things everyday to stimulate the forward progress while maintaining my own sense of balance. I consider everyday to be an adventure with my perspective and perceptions lined up in a way that gives me the choice to be and live how I want to. Because of this my gray area is redefined on a regular basis and I continue to do my life’s work which is to show others how to do the same.

                                                                                    -An Elevated Soul, Is an Excellent Soul

                                                                                                Maurice Johnson

Running from the truth of you

  By Maurice Johnson          

-“He scared inside he scared outside”-Family guy turtle and hillbilly cutaway

Many of us like this animated turtle from this random thought included in one of my favorite animated shows Family Guy, are scared turtles afraid of the inside of themselves as well as the perceptions from the outside world. We have trouble being alone with our thoughts and we also have trouble living up to, accepting, or being our true selves in public. That shit is just stressful. Having to put on for people everyday then going home to finally let out that fart you may have been holding in forever just because you didn’t want to inconvenience the girl or guy you met on bumble can get pretty annoying after a while. This is because there is no freedom in this at all. Because we haven’t gone inside of ourselves and truly accepted who we are as a person we feel the crazy need to keep our masks on and airtight especially when meeting a new intimate prospect. Nah you can’t possibly be your full unapologetic self in front of her because she’s hot all the way down to her perfect toes that you assume are in her shoes designated for the “coffee shop meet-up.” If we were to go within and deal with ourselves accordingly and spend more time figuring out who we are as individuals in full, then perhaps we wouldn’t have to stress being “perfect.” We could accept that our default setting isn’t to hold the door for the lady but we walk closer to the street than she does. We could accept that we don’t open the door for the driver after getting in the car first, but we perhaps offer to at least leave the tip at dinner. If we go inside ourselves first, we can actually show some semblance of bravery and perhaps even some comfort with the people with whom we interact with because we understand that we are just sharing our story with another. We are sharing our art of life with another artist. (*DMR) Sitting with your own thoughts can also provide a ton of insight on how you see things and also how you decide to deal with living in general. You can begin to actually ask real questions about yourself and begin an exciting quest with your dad, bodyguard and your Indian friend into the wonderful world of, WHY. (Extra points if you can get the previous reference) This question is one of the most loaded ones in history but we often run away from it and it holds many great treasures.

            We run away from the question of “Why” at times because it reveals so much about who we are and what we hold dear and what we value. When your why is questioned, the answer is not so cut and dry if you totally mean it and it can also attach to the answers you give therefore forcing you to feel and think. And with feeling and thinking we often don’t like to do it when it’s prompted or forced because let’s face it, it’s mad uncomfortable. This discomfort may sometimes come from the internal judge based on the assumption that the person asking or even yourself, is judging you based on your answers. What we have to learn how to do in this case, is take the “Why” not as a question that needs to be answered by law but take it as a chance at adventure. Take it as an opportunity to learn more about who we are as individuals as well as see it as a chance to seek our individual purposes. The concept of seeing “Why” as an adventure was something I personally developed after reflecting on my life as a whole, and something I put into practice after experiencing a really rough patch in my life. But that’s another story for another time. But in order to see “Why” as an adventure question requires yet another thing that’s uncomfortable. It involves letting go of the so called notion that you have to know what your “Why” is at the moment. It involves you not knowing and being ok with doing things until it comes to you like taking action…. Just as long as you don’t go out becoming Michael Myers in search of it. Let’s hope that that doesn’t come to you in your magical journey of “Why.”

Despite the case of not knowing the “Why” of your life, it is important to know that our inside holds the key to opening up our lives and living in a way that allows us to live and be free in the trinity. (Mind, Body, Spirit) Therefore, leading to the exploration of our individual adventure question. The best way to stray away from being the “Scared turtle” is to go within a little bit at a time. Over time the more you practice doing this, you’ll be ok with going into your shell without all of the screaming in fear, leading to less comments by slightly insightful hillbillies. (I’m sure there are very smart hillbillies out there).   

“An elevated soul is an excellent soul”

Maurice Johnson